[par-oo-chee-ah]
noun
Incredibly efficient church secretary and the person in charge of all the rotas. Best friends with the wimple and arch nemesis of the nimbus.
Category Archives: nouns
Denization
[den-ee-za -shun]
noun
A special committee called by the buttress when a vicar tries to implement a new project (such as the removal of old box pews).
“Guitars in church? I’m calling a denization, we’ll put a stop to this!”
Decretum
[di-creet-em]
noun
Movement made by an individual when either arriving to church late or nipping out during a quiet moment to the toilet – an attempt to make as little noise as possible.
“She walked with decretum down the side aisle.”
Crossfigill
[cross-fee-gil]
noun
Moment during the offertory hymn when two collection plates collide.
“There was a crossfigill today, poor Joan didn’t know which bag to put her envelope into!”
Breviary
Almuce
[al-myoos]
noun (pl)
Left over food after a parish ‘faith lunch’. Usually comprised of inedible vol au vents, one quiche too many and some curly sandwiches.
“Anybody want to take this almuce home? No? Thought not.”
aquebajulus
[we have no idea]
noun
This word needs no redefining. Nevertheless, the word and role need to be brought back into use as soon as possible.
It refers to the clerk in charge of Holy Water.
“You’re an aquebajulus? That’s means you’re basically a vampire’s nemesis!”
“Mummy, when I grow up, I want to be an aquebajulus.”
“Step aside, I’m an aquebajulus!”
“She was an aquebajulus of distinction.”
plebania
[ple-ban-ee-yuh]
noun
A relatively wealthy and blatantly middle class person, who dresses down and drives a cheap car in order to fit in. Definitely not one of the dictionary drudges.
“This? Oh, it’s just a second hand old banger…”
zymite
[zai-mite]
noun
A conversation between a Christian and a person who is not a Christian, and in which there is at least one mention of God. A zymite is the smallest functional unit of evangelism.
chevet
[shuh-vey]
noun
Person who insists on a lengthy conversation with the vicar, totally ignorant of the fact that people are impatiently queuing to leave.
“So, overall, a 6/10 sermon, generally sound but a slight risk of gnosticism. Now, have I told you about our Edith’s bunions?”
