“I felt so mortuary after that reading.”
The ambient temperature of all vestries older than 100 years.
“I’m not getting changed in there, it’s all culdee.”
Descriptive of the view held by certain members of the congregation that children should be seen and not heard during a church service.
“Don’t get the indulgences out, Edna is antilegomena!”
Descriptive of the partially concealed disdain exhibited by an elderly buttress, when discussing certain changes in the church at large. Usually borne out of sixty years of cyclical experience of similar changes.
“You meet in a school do you, dear? That’s nice.”
Descriptive of the deep despair experienced when one suddenly realises the preacher is part way through a long triforium.
Descriptive of the complexion of a buttress as she has her annual sherry on Christmas Day.
Descriptive of the wares being sold on a white elephant stall at a church fete. Examples include an old film camera (damaged), a first-generation soda-stream (no bottles), a single shoe (never used), a royal wedding mug 1981 (lightly chipped) and a “witty” tea towel (“smiling is infectious…”).
Descriptive of the adrenaline-fuelled panic felt by adults at a Christingle service.
“Ian, stop toasting your dolly mixtures, Emma, your service sheet is on fire, David, MIND YOUR SISTER’S HAIR! Ethel, pass the bucket!”
Descriptive of an argument that is extremely heated, out of all proportion to the importance of the subject.
“I’m sorry, I think we should call them House Groups, rather than Cells; to say otherwise is frankly heretical.”
The state of being utterly certain that an activity is Satanic. Example activities include yoga, watching Harry Potter films and reading Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight novels.